Welcome to Florida, We Hate You!

Ahh, sunny skies, gentle winds wisp through the palm trees.  Boats gliding by the coast as waves lap the shores.  Sounds like paradise where everyone is giddy with serenity huh?  Silly rabbit.

The seething human menagerie that is South Florida has been gearing up for 8 months for blatant wanton rage and abuse.  Now, South Florida is crowded even during the off season but having snow birds descend about November 1^st merely encourages the expression of pent up frustration at simple human error, complacency or even mild stupidity.  In reality the locals have been practicing rage and abuse on each other during the summer months with the idea that such vile action can be perfected prior to the snow bird’s descent.  But what is the reason?

As my partner Stephen Bertelli is fond of saying, “put too many rats in too small a space and they eat their own.”   In the case of Florida; put too many people of vastly different hemispheres, nationalities and customs in one space and you get chaos. 

Here in South Florida we practice months of off season aggression on each other due to the locals complete disregard for J walking rules, traffic regulations and a general lack of consciousness from our sun baked brains.  This results in a local population that is ready, willing and able to express their middle finger at the least provocation/innocent mistake while said finger is poised on their car horn ready for an audio assault of prolonged duration, just to make the point you are a fucking asshole.  Welcome to paradise.

So far this is merely an observation but most of you that know me also know I MUST analyze this behavior in order to understand the human condition more clearly.  In essence, my Virgo continence gives me a proclivity for mental masturbation without a happy ending.  It’s all about the mental exercise that is a circle of no return.

So my take is that even if someone is a “local”, in other words lives here in Florida full time, there still is this vacation feel that permeates life even if you have a career.  One would never raise a middle finger in a place, say like… Connecticut, "well dammit buffy that would be unseemly", but when you are here there is a temptation to behave like you are here on holiday.  Offenses evaporate, guilt erased because you’re Adios by weeks end!  Vacation empowers you to magically conjure your innermost dickhead and fire at will.  Let face it, we all have a side that normally is repressed due to social convention but go on vacation and its vodka city and a fuck you attitude.  And this can happen even if you live here full time!

Which brings us back to South Florida.  In places like Haiti or Manhattan, using a legal crosswalk is not contemplated.  Cross Federal Hwy Rt. 1 in front of the Pompano Mall and it’s a gleeful dash for survival.  It’s like a blood sport narrated by Brian Gumbel where your pride is tested if you can make it past that speeding BMW 3 series that is piloted by a 16 year old blond girl from Boca who is applying her makeup AND taking a selfie to show her gal pals she’s on her way to meet them shopping at the Boca Town Center Mall.

The last nail in the coffin are the retirees that due to their years of bitter cold in places like Michigan, Montreal or Vermont have permanent attitude-itis.  So they make believe they still have some modicum of testosterone and vow to make sure you know they still have a spine.  Add to the attitude a deadly combination of hearing and sight loss, glaucoma glasses that cover their entire field of vision plus 4-8 prescriptions competing to make aching joints less painful but with atrocious side effects ranging from uncontrolled aggression, burning hemorrhoids and vaginitis and the result is drivers that exhibit little to no reason or desire to accommodate your presence while they are behind the wheel of a 20 year old Lincoln Continental.  It’s a battering ram with anger issues.

Now the rest of us, we strive to control our anger and rage merely for sanity.  Transcendental Meditation, The Sedona Method releasing technique, even prayer is no match for this gestalt of sun fueled vile contempt that hangs over Miami and Fort Lauderdale.  But ahhh, isn’t the sun lovely today.  Welcome to Florida!